Have you ever had those days where everything, and I mean everything, that could go wrong does go wrong? That’s been the theme of my last three or four months. I can’t count how many times I’ve sat down to write a new blog and got halfway through and deleted it after one quick glance. It didn’t matter what the subject was, but every new entry seemed sad, uninspired, or even angry. Two months later, there has not been one new update. : (
Last night, I stood in the shower and silently spoke to myself. Sometimes, that’s the best therapy. I know I need to update my blog, and I know everyone is wondering where I’ve been, but where do I even begin? And then, like a flood, it all came pouring in. Like previews at the beginning of a movie, the last year flashed before my eyes. It’s been one whole YEAR! I’ve come so far. I can not believe I actually made it. The pre-planned five minute shower evolved to a motionless fifteen minute meditation.
It was just over a year ago that I found myself in the saddest and darkest time of my entire life. Khloe was a tiny little newborn baby and I cried every single day. Not a moment passed that I didn’t beat myself up for feeling sad and not enjoying every second I shared with my sweet little girl, but I literally could not stop the sadness and the tears. Everyone that knew me was seriously and legitimately concerned. My OBGYN convinced me to keep taking the antidepressant she prescribed a month before I gave birth, but John David and I both knew my depression wasn’t anything medicine would fix. It wasn’t a mental problem; it was one hundred percent circumstantial. I took the pills anyway. It was the only solution that was tangible or realistic at the time.
I was five months pregnant when we moved to Alabama. John David intentionally set his schedule up so that the first half of the year would be the busiest so that when the baby came, he would have more time to spend at home with us. No one could have prepared for just how bad my first pregnancy would be. I spent nearly every day completely alone, crying, and vomiting with severe migraines. John David felt completely helpless. He had no control over his ridiculous work schedule and couldn’t be there for me when I needed him the most. My family did everything they could to come see me, but I never felt happy because I had complete anxiety knowing they would be leaving me in just a few days. I couldn’t make friends, even if I wanted to, because I physically could not leave my house by myself. Problems with our realtor left our savings completely wiped out and money was tighter than I had ever even imagined it could be. Khloe was finally born, and I wasn’t sick, but I was still home alone and everything John David and I touched seemed to crash underneath us.
I stood in the shower with tears falling from my eyes remembering just how desperate I was only one year ago. I thought about the little things that have had me down over the past couple months and couldn’t help but laugh. “If I can just make it ONE more year..” I said aloud to myself.
For a long time I’ve been very embarrassed and ashamed that I was sad and depressed during what was supposed to be “the happiest time” of my life. There are only a handful of people that even know I took antidepressants. At some point, you realize you are not alone. Just because other women have had amazing experiences during pregnancy doesn’t mean that I should have had the same experience. There are families all across the world that would give anything, ANYTHING to conceive and carry a baby in their womb. My experience was absolutely horrible, but at the end of the eight months I delivered the most precious little girl who has become such a huge part of my life. I am completely convinced that I have lost my mind, but I want to do it again. Maybe even three more times. Don’t get ahead of yourself. I am not getting pregnant anytime soon, but I definitely want more babies, even if it means eight or nine months of complete torment.
Here’s my point: we all have our ups and downs. I have had an incredible life full of happiness and sadness, heartache and joy. I can not think about all of the things that have went wrong in my life because your past does not define you; what you do with the present does. Though I’ve had a rough couple months, I still praise God for the things he has done for me and the unseen things he has prepared for my life. Things may not be going the way I would like, but I know God has brought me through before and he will do it time and time again. He never fails.
Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and enjoyed every minute spent with your loved ones. We are all so blessed. Sometimes we take for granted the little things in our lives that many people are not fortunate to have. Hug your babies tight and kiss your husband every single day. There are people across our world that would kill for the crazy lives we live at this very moment!
Heather
