Thanksgiving

Have you ever had those days where everything, and I mean everything, that could go wrong does go wrong? That’s been the theme of my last three or four months. I can’t count how many times I’ve sat down to write a new blog and got halfway through and deleted it after one quick glance. It didn’t matter what the subject was, but every new entry seemed sad, uninspired, or even angry. Two months later, there has not been one new update. : (  

Last night, I stood in the shower and silently spoke to myself. Sometimes, that’s the best therapy. I know I need to update my blog, and I know everyone is wondering where I’ve been, but where do I even begin? And then, like a flood, it all came pouring in. Like previews at the beginning of a movie, the last year flashed before my eyes. It’s been one whole YEAR! I’ve come so far. I can not believe I actually made it. The pre-planned five minute shower evolved to a motionless fifteen minute meditation.

It was just over a year ago that I found myself in the saddest and darkest time of my entire life. Khloe was a tiny little newborn baby and I cried every single day. Not a moment passed that I didn’t beat myself up for feeling sad and not enjoying every second I shared with my sweet little girl, but I literally could not stop the sadness and the tears. Everyone that knew me was seriously and legitimately concerned. My OBGYN convinced me to keep taking the antidepressant she prescribed a month before I gave birth, but John David and I both knew my depression wasn’t anything medicine would fix. It wasn’t a mental problem; it was one hundred percent circumstantial. I took the pills anyway. It was the only solution that was tangible or realistic at the time.

I was five months pregnant when we moved to Alabama. John David intentionally set his schedule up so that the first half of the year would be the busiest so that when the baby came, he would have more time to spend at home with us. No one could have prepared for just how bad my first pregnancy would be. I spent nearly every day completely alone, crying, and vomiting with severe migraines. John David felt completely helpless. He had no control over his ridiculous work schedule and couldn’t be there for me when I needed him the most. My family did everything they could to come see me, but I never felt happy because I had complete anxiety knowing they would be leaving me in just a few days. I couldn’t make friends, even if I wanted to, because I physically could not leave my house by myself. Problems with our realtor left our savings completely wiped out and money was tighter than I had ever even imagined it could be. Khloe was finally born, and I wasn’t sick, but I was still home alone and everything John David and I touched seemed to crash underneath us.

I stood in the shower with tears falling from my eyes remembering just how desperate I was only one year ago. I thought about the little things that have had me down over the past couple months and couldn’t help but laugh. “If I can just make it ONE more year..” I said aloud to myself.

For a long time I’ve been very embarrassed and ashamed that I was sad and depressed during what was supposed to be “the happiest time” of my life. There are only a handful of people that even know I took antidepressants. At some point, you realize you are not alone. Just because other women have had amazing experiences during pregnancy doesn’t mean that I should have had the same experience. There are families all across the world that would give anything, ANYTHING to conceive and carry a baby in their womb. My experience was absolutely horrible, but at the end of the eight months I delivered the most precious little girl who has become such a huge part of my life. I am completely convinced that I have lost my mind, but I want to do it again. Maybe even three more times. Don’t get ahead of yourself. I am not getting pregnant anytime soon, but I definitely want more babies, even if it means eight or nine months of complete torment.

Here’s my point: we all have our ups and downs. I have had an incredible life full of happiness and sadness, heartache and joy. I can not think about all of the things that have went wrong in my life because your past does not define you; what you do with the present does. Though I’ve had a rough couple months, I still praise God for the things he has done for me and the unseen things he has prepared for my life. Things may not be going the way I would like, but I know God has brought me through before and he will do it time and time again. He never fails.

Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,  a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,  a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,  a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and enjoyed every minute spent with your loved ones. We are all so blessed. Sometimes we take for granted the little things in our lives that many people are not fortunate to have. Hug your babies tight and kiss your husband every single day. There are people across our world that would kill for the crazy lives we live at this very moment!

Heather

Guilty pleasures!

I added a new label to the bloggity blog a couple months ago called “Confessions!” (Catch up on those here). This week I thought it would be fun to share a few of my guilty pleasures. You know.. the little things that make life just a little bit more fun.

Wikipedia says a guilty pleasure is “something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. The "guilt" involved is sometimes simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes.” 

These are just a few of the little things that make my heart flutter! {try not to judge me TOO hard!} :)  

1. Candy. I'm not talking about chocolate. I'm talking about hard, sour and tart candy. Skittles, Sweet Tarts, Gummy Bears, Starburst, lemon drops.. I could sit and eat candy, literally, all day long. You can find random candy pieces floating around the bottom of my purse pretty much all the time. It’s bad for my teeth, it’s wasted calories, but I LOVE it.

2. Reality TV. I’m talking about the super juicy ones, like ALL of the Real Housewives, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Teen Mom, and I even admit that there may be some "fist pumping" going on around these parts!!     Ummmmm… STOP judging me!

3. Popcorn at the movies. But wait, I'm not talking about just a large buttery popcorn, I'm talking about the large, buttered halfway AND on top, and then smothered with the white cheddar popcorn seasoning!! I DIE!!!

4. Scaring people. Like hitting the bathroom door super hard while Jd is showering, or standing beside the door and waiting for someone to walk in and scream in their face. I don’t know why, but I just LOVE it!!

5. Vacations. Going out of town with my hubs, eating out every night, doing fun things that cost too much money…all because it’s VACATION.  No work and all play. Making memories that last a life time. I absolutely heart vacation!!!!

 Wax Museum, New York City 2008

6. Shopping. It doesn’t matter if it’s the Goodwill, The Dollar Tree, Walmart or the Mall. Shopping is a drug to me that makes everything feel better! :)

7. Facebook. There is no better way to catch up on gossip, look at embarrassing pictures of friends, ex-friends, or better yet ex-boyfriends. Do not even TRY to deny it. You KNOW you do it too.

8. Jammies and a ponytail. Unless I have errands to run, or know someone is coming over, you will most likely find me in mismatched pajamas and my hair pulled back into a pony tail and then piled on top of my head in no sort of cute fashion. My poor hubby. Some days I do attempt to run a brush through my hair before he gets home. {SOME days..}
   
   
   
   
   
9. Pampering. It would be so much easier if I didn't enjoy getting my nails done. Or paying (an arm and a leg) for a day at the spa. Or having my eye brows waxed instead of taking time out of my oh-so-busy day to tweeze them. What can I say?!? I'm a girly girl and I thouroughly enjoy some pampering.
   
   
10.  Watching Khloe cry. Does this make me a bad mom? LOL! Sometimes she's just SO stinkin' adorable when she puckers that lip! The words "NO NO" have recently began to hurt her feelings and just as she begins to pucker I can't help but almost laugh.
    

Tell me, tell me! What is a few of your guilty pleasures? Think about it. Write it down. Laugh at yourself (and then let me laugh at you too!) ; )

Love you guys!

My Life List

 

A few days ago, I was surfing online and came across someones bucket list. It quickly inspired me to make my own list of goals, dreams and life experiences that I want to do in my lifetime. I don't know about you, but sometimes life can get SO boring. Why not have dreams? Make a plan? Decide that life doesn't ALWAYS have to be so monotonous! {Besides, you know I'm a "make a list" junkie!!!}

I decided to start with 100, in no specific order and some have been crossed through as accomplishments. In my world the best lists show proof that you've been productive {which is like a drug to me}. Surprisingly,  I learned a little bit about myself during this challenge! You should try it!

So, this is a peep into what I hope my life to entail: 

1. Grow a vegetable garden
2. Open my own furniture consignment store
3. Take sewing classes
4. Snow Ski
5. Sell my handmade gifts
6. Become a mommy
7. Swim with dolphins
8. Learn to sew
9. Parasail
10. Go on a foreign missions trip to bless children
11. Design my own craft room
12. Reupholster furniture
13. Take photography classes
14. Renew with my vows with my hubby in Hawaii on our 10 year anniversary
15. Coordinate a wedding
16. Make a baby boy
17. Zipline across the jungles of Costa Rica
18. Go sailing
19. Make a Thanksgiving turkey {by myself}
20. Go to a Mommy & Me yoga class with Khloe
21. Adopt a baby from a foreign country
22. Ride an elephant in India
23. Learn to speak another language
24. Build {from scratch} a piece of furniture 
25. Have my own yard sale
26. Be the "class mom" that does fun arts & crafts in my kids classrooms
27. Experience Disney World with our kids
28. Have a breast reduction
29. Learn to whistle
30. Learn to tango
31. Take a Safari in South Africa
32. Wear a large hat at the Kentucky Derby
33. Buy my Grandparents a new house
34. Own a beach home
35. Begin/Finish Khloe’s baby book
36. Host an annual event
37. Watch the sun set and rise on an exotic beach
38. Go skinny dipping
39. Experience a Broadway show in the theaters of NYC
40. Go to a Rascal Flatts concert
41. Have Christmas in another country
42. Give to charity
43. Get to know my neighbors
44. Go whale watching
45. Take a painting class
46. Workout at least twice a week
47. Go to a ballet
48. Create a memory list each year
49. Take a Cruise vacation
50. Find the positive in everything that has disappointed me
51. Throw someone a surprise party
52. Visit all 50 states
53. Ride in a limo
54. Register to be a donor
55. Hire someone to pay my monthly bills
56. Experience a normal pregnancy
57. Leave a huge tip to a deserving waitress
58. See the Pyramids at sunset
59. Have a blog
60. Pick a goal each month and achieve it
61. Learn to clean the pool to help out my hubby
62. Surprise someone with a new car
63. Hire a babysitter once a week and start back weekly date nights with the hubs
64. Install a TV above a big Jacuzzi tub in my bathroom
65. Stay in my pjs for a whole day
66. Take a cooking class
67. Learn to make cakes like my mother-in-love
68. Make a difference
69. Have family pictures taken on the beach
70. Go to Pier One and Hobby Lobby with an unlimited budget!
71. Buy a monogramming sewing machine (and monogram everything in my house!!!!)
72. Have Bella professionally groomed once a month
73. Replace all the furniture in my house with exactly what I want
74. Be a financial blessing to our family
75. Ride a camel in the desert
76. Take Khloe on a daily walk
77. Buy a really expensive straightener
78. Have two Christmas trees. 1) Traditional with the kiddos yearly ornaments 2) White / Super Chic Girly!
79. Have a picnic in Central Park (New York)
80. Make a memory quilt from tshirts
81. Get Lasik eye surgery
82. Go tubin’ down a river
83. Restore an old house
84. Marry for love
85. While in the drive thru, pay for the person's meal who is behind me.
86. Ride in a taxi
87. Throw a monthly dinner party
88. Feature a friend refinishing furniture on my blog
89. Set up all of Santa Claus’ toys for our kiddos on Christmas Eve!
90. Have a big family!
91. Host a themed party 
92. Laugh until you pee yourself
93. Make it through John David's four years of medical school
94. Make it through John David's five years of residency
95. Cheer for my kids from the stands as they play a team sport
96. Experience complete fulfillment
97. Watch Khloe walk down the aisle to someone she loves as much as I love her Daddy
98. Transfer to Gmail 100%
99. Overcome a fear
100. Be a healthy eater

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  -Mark Twain

 Cozumel snorkeling 6 weeks pregnant / The baby moon :) 

I would love to hear a few things on your list!

Confessions of a picky eater

If you know me, you know how much of a picky eater I am. Just to be clear, when I say I am a "picky eater," what I really mean is I have the taste buds of a five year old.  Salad, steak, fish, ranch, and sweet tea are just a few of the items on my do-not-eat list. Chicken nuggets, french fries, mac & cheese, and coke are the staples of my everyday diet. For most of my life I have been such a picky eater because I was just too scared to try new things. As I've gotten older, I've become very self-conscious and embarrassed of my not-so sophisticated palate.

I think the embarrassment began while working at Scruggs, Sossaman & Thompson, a law firm in downtown Memphis. Every holiday or special occasion was a perfect excuse to have a celebration dinner at a super swanky restaurant. While attempting to place my order during the first Christmas dinner with the firm, I had a full fledged panic attack. Filet Mignon was the only thing on the menu that I could actually read and understand what it was. I have never really liked steak, but at least I knew what I would be eating. Turns out it was 32 ounce steak! Yes, THIRTY TWO ounces. The waiter was astonished when I returned the steak and asked for it to be cooked more thoroughly. "The chef will be offended," he informed me. He (along with the rest of the table) was APPALLED when I went even further and requested a side of ketchup to dip the steak in. I ate THREE bites of the steak and was over it. The attorneys NEVER let me live down that experience! 

By no means do I enjoy being so picky. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable when refusing such pretty and well prepared food at friends' house. I hate it. So much so that I have recently began forcing myself to be a "big girl" and just try it. 

This is the {true} story of the biggest accomplishment I've had with new foods to date.
As you remember, Khloe's birth was a sudden and very unexpected experience. If you missed the story of her arrival, you can read about that here. Sunday afternoon a nurse came by our hospital room and told us not to make plans for dinner. The hospital prepares a "special dinner" for Doctor's and their wives after giving birth. How SPECIAL can a hospital dinner really be, I thought. 

We could not believe our eyes when they rolled in a cart with white linens and fine china plated with a Steak dinner for two. Juicy steaks, baked potatoes, salad and sweet tea. "Babe, when I get done eating, I'll go and get you some chicken nuggets," my sweet and understanding husband said. I waited patiently as he cut piece by piece of his thick and savory smelling steak. I'm not sure if it was the smell or the fact that I hadn't eaten in three days but I wanted a bite. John David sneakily watched as I ate the two pieces he cut for me, and then continued to place two more bites on my plate until I realized I had just devoured an entire steak.

Seven days later, I wished I had ordered a steak at Applebees when everyone's steak orders came out. It wasn't until that day that I discovered my love for steak, which is a very bad thing considering Longhorn Steakhouse is less than a minute WALK from our house!! 

After eight years of being together, I was so excited to go on our first Steak Dinner Date to Outback last weekend. It was yummy!

 (picture of a very excited wife on our first real date withOUT Khloe since she was born!)

We have had more steak in the past nine months than I can count! John David is loving it since it has broadened the range of restaurants that I am willing to go to now that chicken is not required to be on the menu! 

So there you have it! One day at a time I am becoming quite the big girl! Stay tuned... you never know what I might try next!!